He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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