god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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