I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
