I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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