dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
