I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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