new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
i think i have two assholes
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Randomize
