i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
