There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Randomize
