Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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