you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
