The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
