Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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