I could make wine with my vomit
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
