This is not my ceiling
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Randomize