he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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