i just sent this text using only my big toe
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
why do cheetos always look like penises
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
