Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
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