Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
