I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
