the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
We had to coat check the pizza.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
