Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
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