If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
