I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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