I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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