I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
