After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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