We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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