soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
