"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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