I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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