Sorry, I don't speak sober.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
