He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
