Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
