hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
