Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize