WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
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