I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
