Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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