He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize