you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
