I can feel you judging me through the phone.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Randomize
