I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
