Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
