i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
