I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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