some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
