I'm so fucking centered right now
Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
