The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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