I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
