My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
