I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
