Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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