I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Randomize
