Can i not drive my cunt home
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
