All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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