but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I will pee on everything he values.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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