I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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