there's paper in my vomit.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
