His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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