So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i wish my penis had a tongue
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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